"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
Now that we've broke up... I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship...
and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"
(available only in Mississippi, Arkansas and West Virginia)