Ha! Ha!Miscellaneous 'Musements

 

 

"Two new elements that have been proposed for addition to the Periodic Chart"

... contributed by Dan


ELEMENT: Woman

SYMBOL: Wo

ATOMIC WEIGHT: 120 (more or less, usually more, but it's not polite to point it out)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.



CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic Foods. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

USAGE: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

ELEMENT: Man

SYMBOL: Xy

ATOMIC WEIGHT: 180+/-10


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it Can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

USAGE: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

"The Facts Of Life"

... contributed by Linda C.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
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