A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." and instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

Guy goes to the doctor and is told he has only six hours to live. He rushes home and tells his wife and then says, "Let's make love." They do and then they fall asleep. A couple of hours later he wakes up and says,

"Honey, let's do it again." They do and again after a very brief nap he says to her,

"Honey, how about doing it one more time?"

She replies, "Aw, come on, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

A man has his penis chopped off in a fluke accident. He is rushed to the hospital, where doctors examine him. After a careful examination one of the doctors says to the man, "We can replace it with a small size penis for $2000, a medium sized penis for $5000, a large penis for $7000, or an extra large penis for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time, and talk it over with your wife."

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other was positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once.

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shinned his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Totally rattled, he shinned his flashlight around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot. "Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area!

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and began studying. Books & papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done with dinner he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time he was hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for sometime. Day after day, the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the report card and to her surprise, little Tommy received an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and says; "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shook his head. "Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms: WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that You 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping In her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Lesson of the day..."Don't Lie To Your Mother!"

Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"

"I reckon," said the second hick.

The First hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

And God Created Woman.
. . .And she was good.

She had two arms, two legs and three breasts.
God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself.

She asked for her middle breast to be removed.
. . . And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob.

. . .And God created man.

Ford says: "What do we do?"

Bush says: "Man the life boats!"

Reagan says "What lifeboats?"

Carter says: "Women first!"

Nixon says: "Screw the women!"

Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

A Blonde and a Brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The Brunette says, "Oh, sure...but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The Blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

A blond woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a real bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her car got dented up real bad.

The next day she took it to a repair shop. The repair guy noticing that she was blonde, decided to have some fun and told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out.

When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her. Her friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?" ... thinking the worst.

She told her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend says "Duuuh! You need to roll up the windows first"

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and, #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver gets very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here on your swing."

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there on the beach, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. Immediately the dog became fiercely jealous and began growling ferociously until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young woman was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but finally he gave in and leaned toward the young woman, and ever so cautiously and quietly, whispered in her ear....."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"