Ha! Ha!Outta The Mouths of Babes!

 

Great Truths About Life

... contributed by Dan


Little Children Soon Learn:

  • No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.

  • When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

  • If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

  • Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

  • You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

  • Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

  • Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

  • Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

  • Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

  • School lunches stick to the wall.

  • You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

  • Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

  • The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

    •  

    Taken from an actual newspaper contest where kids age 4 to 15
    were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"


    ... Contributed by The Ball boys

    I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

    Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

    I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13

    My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10

    I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15

     

    Actual test answers given by students in science classes!


  • To collect fumes of sulfer, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

  • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

  • Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

  • Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

  • When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

  • The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

  • Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

  • The moon is a planet just like Earth, only it is even deader.

  • A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

  • For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

  • Equator: a menagerie lion runing around Earth through Africa.

  • Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

  • To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.

  • The body consists of three parts ... the brainium, the borax and the abdominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five ... A, E, I, O and U.

    •  

    "Kids 'n Teachers"

    ... contributed by     Michael 'The Coveman' Covell


    TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
    STUDENT: Seven.
    TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
    STUDENT: Nine.
    TEACHER: That's impossible.
    STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.

    TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
    GEORGE : Here it is!
    TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
    CLASS : George!

    TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WILLY : Me!

    SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
    BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson.

    TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
    ALFRED : I get up early.

    TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
    STUDENT: Yes, sir.
    TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
    STUDENT: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

    TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
    TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

    HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
    TEACHER: Of course not.
    HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
    TEACHER: What sign?
    WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.

    TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
    DON : I hope you didn't either.

    GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
    TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

    MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
    JUNIOR: Because of absence.
    MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
    JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

    SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
    FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
    SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

    TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
    FATHER : What's that?
    TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

    TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
    SAMMY : You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.

    HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
    JOSE : Don't bite any.

    TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
    ELLEN : I is...
    TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
    ELLEN : All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

    TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defence" and "detail" in a sentence.
    MAX : The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail.

    TEACHER: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?
    TOBY : Didn't you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?

    The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped. "Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" voice shouted, "Okay---you start."

    MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
    JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

    TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
    SASHA : A new bike.

    TEACHER : If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
    VINCENT : One dollar.
    TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
    VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

    TEACHERS : If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
    CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    AMOS : I lost my quarter.
    TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?
    OLIVER : I was standing on it.

    "Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
    "Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
    "No."
    "I'm the principal's daughter."
    "And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
    "No," she replied.
    "Thank goodness!"

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