1. Man who run in front of car, get tired.

2. Man who run behind car, get exhausted.

3. Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

4. War doesn't determine who's right - war determines who's left.

5. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

6. Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

7. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

8. Man who sit on tack get point.

9. Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.

1. You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

2. Every time you think about exercise, you lie down til the thought goes away.

3. Your mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

4. You finally know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

5. You finally get your head together, but your body is falling apart.

6. You just hang something in your closet for awhile, and it shrinks two sizes.

7. You've seen it all, done it all, and can't remember most of it.

8. You were just getting used to yesterday, then along came today.

9. You think you understand everything and then you regain consciousness.

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar
Now: AARP

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Mood Stones
Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Storming into the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: System upgrade.

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Getting your head stoned.
Now: Getting your headstone.

Then: Father Knows Best.
Now: Go ask your mother!

Then: Parents begging you to get a haircut.
Now: Children begging you to get their head shaved.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: VW Microbus.
Now: Voyager Minivan.

Then: Thai Stick.
Now: Thai Food.

Then: Passing the driving test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

And we thought some of OUR laws were strange...

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense... )

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Mirror mirror on the wall... I see Betty... I see Susie... I see...)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This Also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered With a brick or piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (wonder how they enforce that one?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (now let's just think for a minute..is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover,on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)

In Santa Cruz,Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman & her daughter at the same time. (...we have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (is this a great country or what?)

In Heaven:

In Hell:

In Computer Heaven:

In Computer Hell: