| Giggles 'n Guffaws
| Hot Flashes
| Main Index | Mail The Momma! | 
|
From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. Dear Supreme Being, Thanks again for accepting our bid for the ten plagues contract. As agreed, the following pestilences will be delivered to you for inflicting on the land of Egypt by Passover next:
1. Blood To maximize efficiency of resource utilization, we will be engaging a number of reputable subcontractors to carry out some of the work. We will ensure that all this falls within the proposed budget, of course. Yours sincerely, Manny Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles **********
From: Sun Macrocosms Dear Sir or Madam, We require clarification of your order for a plague of darkness. It already gets dark every night. There is no charge for this - it is part of the government contract. If you need darkness at some other time, please specify the hours. A sheet of our charges is attached. Yours faithfully, Fred Apollo, Solar Engineer **********
From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd. My dear Truelove, The trucks are ready to roll! They are loaded with herds of the finest British beef cattle, sheep, goats, pigs, and assorted poultry. I believe we can confidently assure you of a livestock plague that will be remembered for years to come! Best wishes,
Antonius Blair **********
From: Belial Biotechnology Manny, There's a slight snag on the frog-delivery front - somebody's destroyed all the frog's eggs in the ponds for miles around. Vandals I suspect, or perhaps Visigoths. Fortunately, we do have a couple of ornamental horned toads in stock, and are at this moment encouraging them to breed. Ornamental horned toads have, proportionate to their body weight, the largest mouths on the planet, so they ought to make for a pretty scary plague, don't you think? Regards, Alexandra Kelly, Amphibious Supplies Manager **********
From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. Dear Mr. Apollo, The client has an absolute requirement for a period of darkness of not less than 72 hours. As we are working to a strict budget, we cannot afford a full eclipse for that length of time at the price given on your charge sheet. I should be grateful if you could suggest a more economical alternative. Manny thanks, M. Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles **********
From: Quetzalcoatl Trading Dear Mr. Truelove, I wish you could have given us more notice. There's been a run on our blood supplies recently - it'll be a relief when someone invents refrigeration so we can stockpile greater quantities. Our blood donors are working round the clock to meet your order but, this being the famine season, I'm not sure we can obtain enough to fill a whole major river system within the time available. Yours sincerely, Kevin Montezuma, Gore Merchant **********
From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. Thor, Of *course* Egypt is in the desert, you idiot - I thought everybody knew that! Look, I need that plague of hail two weeks on Thursday, so don't give me a lot of doubletalk about climate patterns. Just do it! Manny **********
From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. Dear God Almighty, Just to update you on progress. Our subcontractors working on blood, frogs, livestock, and death of the firstborn are all on schedule for completion Passover next. There was a slight communications breakdown re: hail, which I have personally sorted out. With respect to darkness, our subcontractor has come up with an interesting proposal. How do you feel about sunglasses for everyone? My own firm is taking care of all the insects. We've got seven separate swarms of locusts loaded up in transports ready for delivery. The gnats are also all set and, as for the flies - you'll love this - we've picked mayflies! We think these will make the ideal plague: Not only do they look good, but it's all over and done with in a day, so there's no messy aftermath. We've got 200 hundredweight of pupae all timed to metamorphose into adults on the exact date of the deadline, no extra charge! Speaking of costs, our boils subcontractor informs me she cannot supply a sufficient number of individuals with pus-filled sores to spread a plague within the budget allocated. Apparently, a recent upsurge in hygiene has driven up prices. Would zits be a suitable low-cost substitute for boils? There's never any shortage of spotty pubescents and, as we all know, if you pick at zits they spread like wildfire. Yours sincerely, Manny Truelove **********
From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd. My dear Manny, Disaster! It's those damn French farmers again! The minute our trucks disembarked at Calais, they were surrounded and set alight. Risk of BSE, the scoundrels claimed. Hah! Their filthy cheese isn't even pasteurised, so who are they to point the finger? The upshot is, we have several tons of charcoal-broiled beef, pork, and mutton. I don't suppose you can do anything with these? Only three hens escaped the carnage. Because of their nationality, I expect; they're French. I'll send them over to you. Yours in sorrow, Antonius **********
From: Quetzalcoatl Trading Dear Mr. Truelove, I appreciate that the deadline is now almost upon us. Unfortunately, it is also upon all but a handful of our blood donors. I hope you will consider honoring their sacrifice with a small donation to the bereaved families. The remaining nine donors are being sent to you together with a set of matching ritual obsidian knives (invoice attached) and the blood supplies we've extracted so far. I trust this will suffice to rustle up a smallish plague. Perhaps a creek rather than a river? Yours sincerely, Kevin Montezuma **********
From: Arthur Hades, Hades Enterprises *Firstborn*? I thought you said *frogspawn*! I've had my infernal minions out for weeks obliterating all the frog's eggs they could find. In future, kindly make yourself clear, dammit! A.H. **********
From: Belial Biotechnology Manny, Sorry, no success in getting the ornamental horned toads to breed. I guess if my partner looked like that, I'd be reluctant too. As we've now reached the deadline, I'm sending them over to you. Try spiking their food dispenser with Viagra or something. Good luck, Alexandra **********
From: Nordic Pantheons AG Manny Those six large white objects slowly melting in your goods bay are icebergs. So make your own bloody hail! And next time, give a proper job specification before you start hurling insults at people. Thor **********
From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. Fred I asked for 4 *million* pairs of sunglasses, you only sent four! Where are the rest? The deadline for delivery was yesterday! Manny **********
From: Egyptian Customs Control Sirs, Your transports carrying gnats, mayflies, and locusts are not accompanied by correctly filled-out customs clearance papers. They will be held at the border until we receive proper documentation. You are advised to hurry as there is no cover for your transports here, and it gets rather hot round about noon. Yours faithfully, Sheik Yabouti, Customs Official **********
From: Epidemics 'R' Us Dear Mr. Truelove, As requested, I have sent the zit-infested pubescents directly to your client to minimize delay. So you should only be a couple of days behind schedule. Please do not worry about the fact that there are only ten of the young fellows: they are very, *very* spotty. I'm sure they will be equal to the task in hand. Sincerely, Mary Walker, Vice President for Communicable Diseases **********
From: Bill Zebub; Driver, Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. Manny Where the hell are those documents? We're already seven days past deadline, the locusts are fainting in the heat, the gnats have escaped except for a few dead ones, and all but eight of the mayfly pupae have now molted, so they'll be dead too by the time they're delivered! Bill **********
Heaven, Internal Memo Gabe, On the 10th day past completion date, Manny Truelove sent to me:
10 pubescents picking Remind me not to use these guys for the Parting of the Dead Sea project. The Boss |
| Giggles 'n Guffaws
| Hot Flashes
| Main Index | Mail The Momma! | 